Normally, when I sit down to write my fingers just, go. I have no problem with creating a story behind my many blog posts and I normally just write about what is on my mind. Today, I had something on my mind but I decided to take a different route. I wanted to write a post on my thoughts on the question “should I eat this?” I hate that question. But anyways, I sat down to write and I was basically brain dead. The sentences didn’t flow, I kept deleting, re-writing, grabbing another coffee, taking weird snap chats, etc.
I didn’t want to write about this. I wanted to erase it from my memory forever and I never wanted to address it again. My memory isn’t the best so I thought that as long as I didn’t write about it, didn’t discuss it, I would slowly just…forget.
But I felt compelled to write about it after going completely brain dead on my last post, and I think I will somehow tie it all together. Bear with me.
We all know and preach the phrases, “never take life for granted” or “you only live once”. Do they ever really resonate with you? Or are they just mindless statements that we preach when we have too much to drink?
The car was so silent on our way home from Breckenridge that night, there was a certain thickness in the air. I couldn’t be upset, I didn’t know this girl. But I was unsure what to do with these feelings I had inside of me.
I remember taking videos of Bodhi, my puppy, and her face was in the background. I remember the way she looked at her son as he ran around the patio. She sat across from me at the table. I didn’t know her, we just were introduced a few hours ago.
She shook my hand when she came to the bar after a long day of snowboarding. We exchanged the basic “It is nice to meet you” phrase and we all sat around a table outside, on this beautiful Colorado day.
That night, after we all said our goodbyes and parted ways, she got into a car accident, and passed away. The happy-go-lucky group of people that surrounded me the majority of my day were in absolute hysterics. How could this happen? She was 26. 6 months older than I am.
I don’t have the right to be upset, and I don’t think upset is the right term for my state of mind this past week.
We try so hard to be fit for bikini season, to eat healthy, to exercise everyday. We beat ourselves up over every.little.thing. Why didn’t I do this? Why did I eat that? It finally resonated with me this week; life is so very fragile. We don’t have time to over analyze every situation. We don’t have time to get upset that something didn’t go our way. We don’t have time.
What happens if you are disabled later in life, Monica?
Before, that was a question I asked myself occasionally. I’ll be honest. What happens if I can’t get out of bed one morning and I lose my mobility. What would I do then?
That question doesn’t even make sense to me anymore.
Of course we need to take care of ourselves. Eat right. Be healthy. But how very insignificant are worries and anxieties that plague us. This is cliche, but life is truly short. Too short for some.
Of course I can tell you in this blog post to never take a single day for granted. Of course I can tell you to treasure everyday and every person that you have had the honor to know in this very short life. But we are human, and anxieties will always get the best of us.
This situation was very overwhelming, and ridiculously upsetting. My heart goes out to those who lost a family member, friend, or mother.
My heart felt heavy and I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like I experienced a dream. I barely knew her, and I never will know her again. Her presence in my life was short-lived, yet this story has more of an impact on me than she will ever know.
Last week I got an email from this lovely girl who was diagnosed with MS last year. She explained her diagnosis story and it sounded very similar to my own in the way we reacted to such an unfortunate diagnosis. Luckily, we both live in Denver, so we decided to grab dinner last night. She explained to me that people would often ask her the question what she would do if she couldn’t walk one day. And she would ask herself that same question.
Then it came to her. How is that question relevant? How very ridiculous is it to worry over something that could potentially happen in 30 years, when our life could end tomorrow from something so very different than Multiple Sclerosis.
My mind immediately went back to that night in Breckenridge.