for peter

 

What a year this has been.

I love you.

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Normally, when I sit down to write my fingers just, go.  I have no problem with creating a story behind my many blog posts and I normally just write about what is on my mind.  Today, I had something on my mind but I decided to take a different route.  I wanted to write a post on my thoughts on the question “should I eat this?”  I hate that question.  But anyways, I sat down to write and I was basically brain dead.  The sentences didn’t flow, I kept deleting, re-writing, grabbing another coffee, taking weird snap chats, etc.

I didn’t want to write about this.  I wanted to erase it from my memory forever and I never wanted to address it again.  My memory isn’t the best so I thought that as long as I didn’t write about it, didn’t discuss it, I would slowly just…forget.

But I felt compelled to write about it after going completely brain dead on my last post, and I think I will somehow tie it all together. Bear with me.

We all know and preach the phrases, “never take life for granted” or “you only live once”.  Do they ever really resonate with you? Or are they just mindless statements that we preach when we have too much to drink?

The car was so silent on our way home from Breckenridge that night, there was a certain thickness in the air.  I couldn’t be upset, I didn’t know this girl.  But I was unsure what to do with these feelings I had inside of me.

I remember taking videos of Bodhi, my puppy, and her face was in the background. I remember the way she looked at her son as he ran around the patio. She sat across from me at the table.  I didn’t know her, we just were introduced a few hours ago.

She shook my hand when she came to the bar after a long day of snowboarding.  We exchanged the basic “It is nice to meet you” phrase and we all sat around a table outside, on this beautiful Colorado day.

That night, after we all said our goodbyes and parted ways, she got into a car accident, and passed away.  The happy-go-lucky group of people that surrounded me the majority of my day were in absolute hysterics.  How could this happen?  She was 26.  6 months older than I am.

I don’t have the right to be upset, and I don’t think upset is the right term for my state of mind this past week.

We try so hard to be fit for bikini season, to eat healthy, to exercise everyday.  We beat ourselves up over every.little.thing.  Why didn’t I do this? Why did I eat that? It finally resonated with me this week; life is so very fragile. We don’t have time to over analyze every situation.  We don’t have time to get upset that something didn’t go our way.  We don’t have time.

What happens if you are disabled later in life, Monica?

Before, that was a question I asked myself occasionally.  I’ll be honest.  What happens if I can’t get out of bed one morning and I lose my mobility. What would I do then?

That question doesn’t even make sense to me anymore.

Of course we need to take care of ourselves. Eat right. Be healthy. But how very insignificant are worries and anxieties that plague us.  This is cliche, but life is truly short.  Too short for some.

Of course I can tell you in this blog post to never take a single day for granted.  Of course I can tell you to treasure everyday and every person that you have had the honor to know in this very short life.  But we are human, and anxieties will always get the best of us.

This situation was very overwhelming, and ridiculously upsetting.  My heart goes out to those who lost a family member, friend, or mother.

My heart felt heavy and I woke up on Sunday morning feeling like I experienced a dream. I barely knew her, and I never will know her again.  Her presence in my life was short-lived, yet this story has more of an impact on me than she will ever know.

Last week I got an email from this lovely girl who was diagnosed with MS last year.  She explained her diagnosis story and it sounded very similar to my own in the way we reacted to such an unfortunate diagnosis.  Luckily, we both live in Denver, so we decided to grab dinner last night.  She explained to me that people would often ask her the question what she would do if she couldn’t walk one day.  And she would ask herself that same question.

Then it came to her.  How is that question relevant?  How very ridiculous is it to worry over something that could potentially happen in 30 years, when our life could end tomorrow from something so very different than Multiple Sclerosis.

My mind immediately went back to that night in Breckenridge.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

what are we focusing on here?

At work this week, I was doing research on many bloggers that focus on curative diets for various autoimmune diseases.  I dug very deep into cyber space to find others, like myself, that were focusing on living the healthiest life possible to prevent symptoms or eventual disability with an autoimmune disease.  To my surprise, I found about three wellness blogs focusing specifically on Multiple Sclerosis.  THREE?   I found a lot of blogs that would discuss medication, chronic pain, sleeplessness, fear of the unknown, poems, “fuck MS”, the list goes on and on….

I’m sure everyone knows where I’m going with this one…(maybe.)

I’m not saying this a bad thing.  It’s nice sometimes to read relatable material, if you are going through a hard time with your Multiple Sclerosis.  It’s also so easy to fall into a pity party and think that it’s inevitable that you eventually will be disabled.

I’m ALSO not saying that everyone with Multiple Sclerosis needs to turn around and drink green juice all day long. (even though they should)

But, what are we giving power to? 

If you haven’t already figured this out, the mind is an extremely powerful mechanism.  I am a firm believer in what we think, we become.  

Health is more than drinking green juice all day long or eating a mostly raw vegan diet.  (Even though I am a firm believer this helps.)

Health is positive thinking.  Health is surrounding yourself with people that don’t treat you like “that sick girl”.  Health is not allowing the disease to take away from who YOU are.

I truly believe that sitting around all day and reading a forum on how to prevent chronic pain, is going to give you chronic pain.

I’m not a doctor, but what we think, we become.  

Sometimes when I’m having a bad day and I’m throwing myself a pity party I’m so quick to be like, “MY MS IS ACTING UP.” Then I realize I’m acting like an asshole, and it’s all in my head.  What we think, we become. 

To sum this big long, kinda rant up, all I’m trying to say is….DON’T YOU WANT TO GET BETTER?  Stop focusing on all the negative parts of this disease, and bring out the positive ones.  Start truly believing that you will be the exception to this disease.  Start reading women with positive stories that have turned around their MS.  It’s almost a little too ironic that some of these women with positive stories decided on healing themselves, and they did.  And none of them follow the same diet.  Just some food for thought.

I know personally, I won’t let myself get sick.  I have a blog to keep up with and a success story to tell.

 

Check out these blogs:

http://www.msdietforwomen.com

http://www.elanaspantry.com

http://www.youcanbeatMS.com

 

Plus,  this woman is always an inspiration, and I highly recommend her book.

 

http://www.annboroch.com

 

 

 

failure, failure, failure.

At 22 it’s okay to be unsure what you want to do with your life, but by 25, if you do not know, you need help. Not sure when I became an adult but Sallie Mae calls me every morning telling me to pay my loans and that couldn’t be more of a wake up call.

I never had a problem getting a job in my life.  I moved to Denver, Colorado 100% confident by November 15th I would have a new career.  It’s January 13th and I sit here absolutely dumbfounded that this process has taken as long as it did.  I am almost ashamed of myself while people whisper under their breath “is she picky?”  Maybe.

I grew up the star in every play  – for the majority of my life I was given an odd amount of attention for my victories and being an only child for 8 years of my life only fed into this. Failure was never really a word in my vocabulary, I rarely got rejected.  I landed every job I interviewed for, most people knew me because of my angelic soprano voice, and my parents consistently made me feel like I was the best.  

Bare with me here, I’m not as conceited as that previous paragraph sounds.  Actually quite the opposite.

I moved to Denver in this “only child” mindset that I was going to kill it out here.  “I lived in New York City, Philadelphia….Denver will be a piece of cake!” This couldn’t be further from the truth.  I’ve applied for over 150 jobs, landed about 15 interviews, where I got offered 0 jobs.  Fuck. How did this happen?

As you know from my previous blog posts, I normally turn my negative experiences into positive ones and that is exactly what I am going to do here.

In all this chaos of not having a job lined up, my bills piling up, and being bored to death most of the weekdays, I found this sense of calm.  I’m not crazy, I promise.  I actually feel as if I have never been happier.  WHY?  Because in some weird, dusty corner of my brain I feel as if everything is going to fall into place.  I’ve been rejected over and over and over and yet I still maintain this quiet, humbled happiness that everything is going to turn out okay.

I’m not saying I haven’t burst out in tears every time I was let down, but a sense of calmness came quickly after every burst of tears.

What a grounding experience.  Rejection is a normal part of life, something I never really experienced, and it’s about damn time I experienced this and was brought back down to earth.

Maybe this rejection period of my life is finally transitioning me into adulthood.  Maybe it’s not the countless calls I get from Sallie Mae everyday to pay my, excuse my language, fucking expensive college tuition.  Maybe rejection is just what I needed on my journey.

WOW. I sound super Denver right now.

After all that being said, I did get a phone call that was a hopeful one.  I’m going to be working for a company that I have been following closely for years as their Wellness Blogger discussing curative diets for MS, Diabetes, and Arthritis.  So there is silver lining.  I stayed on top of my shit, cried when I needed to, and dealt with a mass amount of rejection and now I actually have a pretty cool gig – that will potentially turn into full time work.

So after feeling like a failure for the past 3 months and being rejected every time I applied for something, something good did come out of that.  A period in my life I will never forget and will always keep in the back of my mind.  Stay humble.  Stay grounded.  Go on.